Power Poll: Agriculture Equipment - Off Tackle Empire

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You know, cause the B1G is farm country or whatever

We’re good midwesterners here that believe in good, honest labor and that means we believe in agriculture. So come with me on a little trip to talk about farming and also, let’s see how many fanbases I can piss off.

# 1 Oregon: Export Terminal

The grain terminals on the Columbia River and Puget Sound carry about 1⁄4 of the country’s grain exports to international markets. These behemoths unload grain by rail, truck, and barge and load it on giant boats bound primarily for Asia. They help midwestern grain producers feed the world. The Oregon Ducks have exported their garish uniforms and belief in the forward pass from the West Coast to the Midwest now and thus far, it seems to be working out for them.

# 2 Indiana: Combine

How a Combine Works: A view inside the combine [4k video] (youtube.com)

We aren’t talking about the NFL draft here. We’re talking about the star of the grain farming world, giant machines that harvest grain mercilessly, much like the Indiana Hoosiers mercilessly harvesting the souls of their inferior opponents this season.

# 3 Penn State Nittany Lions: Mushroom Farming

Pennsylvania is the number one mushroom producing state in the US, taking animal crap and mushroom spores and turning it into delicious, nutritious food. James Franklin, on the other hand, takes teams full of talent and generally craps the bed in big games and sometimes even against not so good teams.

# 4 OSU: Grain Elevator

Towering over small towns across the prairie, grain elevators store the Midwest’s bountiful grain harvests. Meanwhile, the Ohio State Buckeyes have been towering over the B1G (except in years when Michigan cheats) and stockpiling 4 and 5 star talent.

# 5 Illinois Fighting Illini: Pumpkin Harvester

The new pumpkin harvester (youtube.com)

Quick, name something big, fat, round and orange that reminds you of Fall weekends. I was, of course, referring to pumpkins. Illinois, in addition to being a leading producer of corn and soybeans, also leads the nation in pumpkin production. It’s kind of fun to watch a pumpkin harvester in action, just like it can be fun to watch the Fightin’ Berts in action (Offer not valid in Oregon or Pennsylvania)

# 6 Wisconsin: Milking Carousel

Cow Milking Carousel at Fair Oaks Farm in Indiana #dairyfarming #cows #livestock #milking (youtube.com)

These are actually pretty amazing to see in action, especially live and up close. They are a new technology to make milking cows less backbreaking and labor-intensive. This is similar to Luke Fickell bringing in the Dairy Raid offense to the Wisconsin Badgers to replace the backbreaking labor-intensive grind it out between the tackles offenses of his predecessors.

# 7 Iowa: John Deere Plow

John Deere invented his steel plow in 1838 in Grand Detour, Illinois. The traditional cast iron plows from the East Coast and Europe weren’t suited for the heavy sticky soils of the Midwest. Kirk Ferentz believes that the passing offenses of the coastal areas aren’t suited for the Iowa Hawkeyes soil and climate so he isn’t going to change anything.

# 8 Minnesota: Grain Cart

It’s no secret that PJ Fleck and the Minnesota Golden Gophers like the ground game. Well, grain carts are the ground game of the grain harvest season. These carts are used to move the grain from the combine to the trucks at the edge of the field. It’s the most basic job of the harvest crew as you don’t need a CDL like it takes to drive the trucks and not highly technical like the combines that harvest the grain. It’s simple and Peejus likes it that way.

# 9 Nebraska: Thresher

Once upon a time, the threshing machine was the star of the farming universe. A thresher beats the harvested plants and separates the seed from the chaff. Before the invention of the thresher, grain was removed from the chaff by hand using flails. Obviously, times have changed and threshers are no longer pertinent, but some stubborn folk clinging to the past still have threshing festivals so they can relive the glory days of yore. I think you get what I’m laying down by picking this one for the Nebraska Cornhuskers.

# 10 Michigan: Horse Barn

I don’t know if Michigan has a lot of horses or anything. I really just wanted a chance to make a joke putting the Michigan Wolverines and Stallions together and then mention that Michigan only won last year because they cheated.

# 11 Washington Huskies: Apple Picker

Mechanical apple harvesting with FELIX (youtube.com)

Washington grows a lot of apples. I am running out of things to say about these new teams that I don’t know much about and I’m trying really hard to not care, but huskies are beautiful dogs, so that’s cool

# 12 Michigan State Spartans: Cherry Picker

Michigan Cherry Harvest: Shake It Up! (youtube.com)

Michigan leads the US in production of tart cherries, producing about 3⁄4 of the country’s pie and preserve cherries. A cherry picker is a pretty amazing device. One thing that is also tart is MSU’s little brother status to their main rival.

# 13 USC Trojans: Wine Press

California is a leading producer of wine and the wine press is a perfect representation of the rich private school kids that attend USC Trojans football games. Here in actual B1G country, we drink malted barley and hops beverages as God intended. I don’t know much about how a wine press operates and don’t really care, same as how I don’t care about the new B1G teams.

# 14 Maryland Terrapins: Chicken Plucker

VEVOR CHICKEN PLUCKER, MAKING WORK EASY! (youtube.com)

Broiler chickens are the top agricultural product of the state of Maryland. The DelMarVa pennisula is a huge poultry producing region. When I was a kid, my Grandmother would raise 200 broiler chickens every year and we’d go down one weekend in late summer to help process the chickens and I would spend a long weekend plucking feathers. Boiled chicken feathers stink! Like really bad, and that smell would get into my hands for a week. It was almost as unpleasant as watching non-September Maryland football. Anyway, I was touring the South Farms ag facilities on campus as a freshman in Champaign in 1992 and saw a funny looking little machine and the guide said it was a chicken plucker. I was dumbfounded that there was a machine that could do that awful job so I wouldn’t have to. I thought surely, something that magical must cost a fortune, right? No, less than a couple hundred bucks!! I would have spent my own detassling money to buy one of these bad boys had I known they existed before I went away to college.

# 15 UCLA: Raisin Harvester

Raisin Mechanical Harvesting (youtube.com)

Raisin harvesting is an interesting process. They roll out giant rolls of paper between the grape vines and drop the grapes on the paper and let the California sunshine go to work. Then a machine rolls that paper back up and hauls it to the processor for packaging. The part I’m leaving out is that ten bazillion flies hang out on those grapes as they are drying in the Sun, which is pretty nauseating. Nauseating also sums up both UCLA Bruins fans thoughts about DeShaun Foster and their season and my thoughts about having CA teams in the B1G.

# 16 Rutgers: Cranberry Harvesting

How Ocean Spray Harvests 220 Billion Cranberries A Year (youtube.com)

For a state that calls itself the garden state, there is just not that much agriculture there. New Jersey does lead the nation in production of eggplant I just learned, but really, who cares? I do enjoy cranberries though and New Jersey is #3 in cranberry production, although they are far behind Wisconsin, just like Rutgers was far behind Wisconsin when they played football.

# 17 Northwestern: Grain Bunkers

Grain bunkers are temporary storage piles where grain is stacked on the ground and kept until there is room in the elevator or transportation for shipment available. The Northwestern Wildcats are playing in a temporary stadium that is just being used until their new stadium can be built. Grain bunkers are typically covered with giant tarps as well to help preserve the grain’s quality, just like the tarps in Ryan Field were used to preserve the seats that were never being used.

The Northwestern Stadium Vinyl Banner 50 ft - Northwestern Ryan Field – Rebuilding Exchange

The tarp is still for sale by the way, if any of you are looking for Christmas gift ideas for MNW.

# 18 Purdue: Manure Spreader

This one is pretty straightforward. Other than 1⁄2 of football against Illinois, the Purdue Boilermakers have been undeniably shitty. Manure spreaders take the collected excrement from livestock operations and spread it on the fields around them. It creates an odorous stench at the time, much like Ryan Walturd and his Turdoo team.

Obviously, I can’t top that double poop joke that I just laid down there, so go down to the comments and let me know what you think.